- Motivational speaker Mel Robbins shared her “Let them do it” theory in Spring 2023.
- Since then, this theory has continued to spread on TikTok and Instagram Reels.
- Simple advice can help you choose your battles in relationships instead of being passive.
In May 2023, motivational speaker Mel Robbins shared a simple rule for life she said she heard on Instagram. She called it the “leave it to them” theory.
“If your friends won't invite you to brunch this weekend, invite them,” Robbins said in the video. “If the person you're really attracted to isn't interested in commitment, let them be.”
The video has since racked up more than 33 million views. Robbins posted about this on TikTok in June 2023, and the clip has been viewed more than 17 million times, surpassing any of her other videos. moreover, other People's recent “Let them” theory on TikTok continues to garner over 1 million people's attention, and the concept even has its own hashtag.
Annie Wright, a certified marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif., said she agrees with Robbins' advice.
“Instead of over-functioning or trying to control the actions of others or the outcome of a particular situation, show them the choices they make, see the results their actions produce, and engage them as people.” Let me learn more about it,'' Wright told Business Insider.
Wright explained why he feels this tip continues to resonate with his audience, and where you should take advice from non-therapists with a grain of salt.
By relinquishing control, you gain important knowledge
Relationships can sometimes feel complicated and messy, but the “let go” theory can simplify your relationship. Similar to the similarly viral “bird test,” it encourages dispassionate observation of how someone treats you, rather than relying on people-pleasing.
Using Robbins' Brunch example, if you fear being ostracized by your friends, your instinct may be to do whatever it takes to prevent it, or to ruminate on why your friends don't want to hang out with you. .
But if you just let them plan without trying to influence the outcome, then either 1. They're not ignoring you at all, or 2. They're excluding you and that's good. You may find out that they are not friends.
“It will give you the information you need to think about what your boundaries are and what your needs and desires are in relationships,” Wright said.
Wright likened the “leave it to them” theory to a blood test or a bank account check. That means you have clear data to make decisions. “I think there's a lot of agency there, rather than trying to control a situation that may be out of control,” Wright said.
It's the opposite of passive
This is not the same as not having expectations of people, Wright said.
“You don't necessarily have to interpret her advice because you either lower the bar and accept what's presented to you or you walk away from the relationship,” she said. You need to take a step back and gather more information before reaching any conclusions. Then you might set boundaries with your parents, break up with your partner, or let selfish friends fade away.
And while the “let them do it” theory sounds refreshing and detached, it takes a lot of courage to actually do this. “If you're looking to get an MRI scan or find out your student loan balance, what we're doing is a little bit of exposure therapy,” Wright said. “We confront things that maybe feel really difficult and scary and actually face reality.”
Next steps can be more complicated
Similar to what unlicensed mental health professionals like Robbins have to say, Wright said other resources are worth seeking out.
“Sometimes these messages lack a little bit of nuance,” Wright said. “If you're really curious about how this applies to you, take it to your therapist and see how it really applies to you.”
For example, if you put this theory to the test, you might learn some unpleasant truths, such as your best friend not trying to contact you at all, or your partner silently ending the relationship. Your therapist (or resources such as books written by mental health professionals) can help guide you through next steps.
Wright said that if clients presented her with this theory, she would reframe it as a way to give them more choice and agency in their relationships. Her goal, she said, is for children to “practice healthy relationship skills, negotiate, practice conflict resolution, and talk about things that don't necessarily feel good.”
