Childhood anxiety disorders affect one in eight children, and many families grapple with this condition. However, despite how common they are, anxiety disorders in children are not often discussed, leaving many parents unprepared when it comes to raising a child with anxiety. I even feel helpless.
“Children with anxiety disorders are often clingy, have difficulty taking care of themselves, and may have angry outbursts,” says Tianna Snyder, M.D., a child psychologist at Nationwide Children's Hospital. She said, “It can affect the whole family.'' Snyder said parents face the difficult task of validating their children's feelings while also setting limits for them.
But psychologists say they regularly help children with anxiety disorders, and part of their treatment includes teaching families how to deal with anxiety symptoms. No one ever said parenting a child with an anxiety disorder would be easy, but there are tools they've discovered that can make life with a child with anxiety a little smoother. They recommend what all parents of children with anxiety disorders should keep in mind.
Anxiety can look like a behavioral problem
Tantrums are common in all children of a certain age, but they can also appear in children with anxiety disorders. “Anxiety can manifest itself in the form of screaming or fighting about something,” says Thea Gallagher, MD, clinical assistant professor at NYU Langone Health and study co-sponsor. mind in view Podcast. “It can be difficult to understand if this is normal child behavior or if something bigger and deeper is the cause.”
These tantrums “can be very difficult for kids with anxiety to control, but it's still very important to set limits and have boundaries,” Snyder says. In other words, don't blame your child's anxiety for the tantrum and assume there's nothing you can do about it. Once your child has calmed down, Snyder recommends reminding them that there are rules and expectations and that there will be consequences if they don't follow them. “We need to provide discipline and consequences based on the facts,” she says.
It's important to acknowledge your child's feelings
Dr. Isabella Milaniak, a licensed psychologist in the Anxious Behavioral Clinic in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, says that validating your child's emotions is an important step when they're upset. It states that there is. She recommends practicing something called “developmental empathy.” This means not ignoring concerns that may seem like a big deal given your child's age. “Children's worries may seem silly to adults, but they are proportionate to their world,” she says. She says, “Avoid comments like 'It's not a big deal' or 'There's nothing to worry about.'” Instead, let your child know that you understand that they're upset. Milaniak says it's important to let them know.
She recommends saying things like: “I know that mornings before school are hard for you. I understand that you are scared and would prefer to stay home. I understand that. Sometimes I get nervous too and want to stay home from work.”
Gallagher emphasizes that “emotions are always real,” even if children don't understand why they're feeling the way they are at a particular moment. “We're always aware of how bad anxiety is,” she says. Gallagher recommends talking to your child about “controlling anxiety” and emphasizing that they can control their emotions so that anxiety doesn't take over.
It's important to stay calm
Ammon says it's important to try to remain calm with your child. “It can be difficult to stay calm when your child is in pain, screaming, or crying,” she admits. Gallagher agrees, but she emphasizes the importance of staying calm. “If you can, try to stay as calm as possible,” she says.
Gallagher points out that moods can be contagious. “If you're in a crisis and someone else starts panicking, your fight-or-flight response will follow suit,” she says. If you find your child is having a hard time staying calm when they're high, she recommends talking to a therapist about the tools you can use, or considering therapy yourself. . “The best thing you can do when your child is excited is to stay as calm as possible, reiterate the options, and talk to them about their options,” she says.
Sometimes you have to let your anxiety ride the wave.
Snyder says it's hard to stop anxiety, especially when a child is really excited. “If your child’s anxiety is at its peak (10 out of 10), sometimes you need to ride that wave,” she says. “If you're already at that level, you're probably not going to be able to make effective change.”
That means just being there until your child calms down, giving them cuddles and space to be alone, Gallagher says. “If a child is having a tantrum or anxiety attack, we want to get them to a safe place where they can express their feelings,” Snyder says. This is a good opportunity to help you practice the skills you learned in therapy, such as taking five deep breaths together, counting backwards by threes, or other techniques your health care provider has shared with you. “This can temporarily distract you, relax your body, and calm your brain,” Snyder says.
Don't completely avoid things that cause your child's anxiety
If something makes your child anxious, it's understandable that you want to do everything you can to avoid it. But experts say this could actually make the situation worse. “The main mechanism by which anxiety symptoms increase over time is avoidance. Children avoid experiences of anxiety, embarrassment, uncertainty, distress, and other negative sensations,” Milaniak says. “By the time an anxiety disorder develops, a child has repeated patterns of avoidance behavior, such as not raising his hand in class, not going to school, and not talking.”
But Dr. Hilary Ammon, a clinical psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Women's Mental Health, says repeatedly avoiding situations can make anxiety worse. “You may have an instinct to protect them and have them avoid anything that causes them to feel fear or anxiety,” she says. “Unfortunately, this decision to help the child escape can sometimes make the child's fear even worse.”
Instead, Milaniak recommends that parents “compassionately cultivate courage skills” in anxious children. That means reiterating your expectations by saying things like: What can I do to make school easier for you today?'' Milaniak says it's important to remain resolute even if your child starts to escalate. “Remain calm and repeat a firm mantra to show your child that their emotions aren't scaring you,” she says. This includes saying things like: “You're having a big emotional reaction because you're scared.” I'm not afraid of your big emotions. Let's overcome this together. This feeling will also end soon, as feelings don't last forever. ”
If your child throws things, hits someone, or jumps out of a car, it's important to influence their behavior, Milaniak says. “Emotions are always valid, but we have to be responsible for what we do with them,” she emphasizes.
Highlight the good points too
There's a lot to deal with when you have a child with anxiety, but doctors say it's important to praise your child when they're doing well. “Highlight when things are going well. Don't just focus on what went wrong,” says Gallagher.
Snyder agrees. “You still want to be a typical parent and let your kids know that you're proud of them,” she says. Open-ended questions can also be helpful, such as asking your child to share the best and worst parts of their day while you're having dinner together or riding in the car. “It opens the door for communication and emotions if something isn't going well,” she says.
Overall, Snyder recommends reminding yourself that you're doing your best. “Parents of children with anxiety are often stressed, frustrated, and unsure of what to do next,” she says. “But it's important to remind yourself that you're a good parent and caregiver, even if things don't feel like they're going well in the moment.”
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